I’m not falling apart….at least not today.
We Phillips girls are kind of known for our ability to be stoic. I think that’s a fair assessment of my sisters and me. I “pride” myself in not dissolving into tears during the hard parts of life. I’m tough. I’m that girl. You know, the one who can go from the beginning to the end of an absolute crisis and keep it together. Like giving a bleeding man CPR in the middle of the street in a rainstorm (yep, that’s correct – my colleagues holding my phone so I could hear the 911 dispatcher give instructions).
Never wavering, giving directions, making plans, and being in charge…. these are the things that I thrive on. The things that keep me sane in difficult circumstances. There are a few exceptions in my life where I did just fall apart. Two that come to mind immediately are receiving the news of my father’s death and sitting in the ER trying to comprehend what the MD was telling me about my sweet sister, Ramona. Those losses found me in a very unfamiliar place. A place where I have zero comfort.
If you are one of my people, the kind that doesn’t allow ourselves to fall apart, these phrases will be familiar to you. The things that we tell ourselves and those around us are: I’m fine. You’re fine. Everything is going to be okay: Don’t stress, it will all be fine: Crying doesn’t fix anything: My ability to keep moving allows me to stay sane. Sound familiar?
If you are my people I just want to let you know that I am currently rethinking my hard-line stance on tears. Why is this? Am I becoming a softie? Please say it isn’t so! The reality is that our family has had a few super hard years and learning how to process all of that is a journey that we’re on. We didn’t ask to be here but we find ourselves having to move toward a new normal. Pray tell, what does that look like and why would it cause this hard-line, no tears, nana to rethink my position about falling apart?
It’s pretty simple (and mind you I have no idea if it works), I heard a song that reminds us that “it’s okay to cry; it’s okay to fall apart; you don’t have to try to be strong when you are not; it may take some time to make sense of all your thoughts; but don’t ever fight your tears, there is freedom in every drop; Sometimes the only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart.” Could it be that the place of falling apart, allowing ourselves to feel that deep place of sorrow and emotion is a healthy way to walk through loss?
I’m not sold on it……..but it does make me believe that if it happens maybe it won’t be the end of the world. I think that being in control on the outside is different than surrendering your control on the inside. Personally, I’m also big in my belief that, as Christians, we have to praise God in good times and hard times. One of my favorite songs is by Casting Crowns – Praise You In The Storm. I also know that there is power in allowing those around you to help you heal. We are blessed to have our children and grandchild close. I am blessed to have three additional siblings to love me. A church family and a God that never fails.
I’m sure that there will be times when I fall apart, I mean, maybe…………..
At the end of the day, I’m pretty sure that only the people who walk this road of minimal tears will understand any of what this means 🙂 Isn’t this part of why we write a blog…..to make people think?
Nana Reflections 